Tuesday, December 14, 2010

My Family

When Hayden was 2 he told me that Heavenly Father had a Brother waiting for him in Heaven. This was not just a passing remark. It was a constant conversation that we had on a regular bases. Hayden was born with a sweet spirit that I have felt is very close to Our Father in Heaven. Being his mom I never wanted him to doubt his feelings but I also did not want him to lose Faith and what if it never came true. How could I explain this to a little boy who felt so strongly.

Well when I had Delaynie his little heart sank and he continued to tell me that his brother was waiting in heaven and it was not just his time to come. This was now from a 5 year old. I really was not sure if I wanted more children. I struggled with postpartum, Jim starting a new career and are life was no where near adding another child.

We went through our struggles and finally we decided that we should add a 4th child to our family. I prayed for Hayden's brother. I wanted this to be the answer he was waiting for. I wanted this to be the beautiful ending to our family. This last pregnancy was to be it. I knew in my heart that I could do this one more time. I knew that I could add one more spirit to our family and that we would be complete.

This would not be hard. I has 3 helpers and my life seemed to be some what easy.
Well that is never the case in my life. Jim was called to serve on a special ops with the Border Patrol and was never home, I was so sick and 3 kids were not as easy as I thought. I continued to pray for strength to get through this LAST pregnancy to full fill my sons desire. Now I do not want you to think that I just got pregnant to see if his prayers were to be answered. We truly felt blessed that this was the right time to add another child to our family.

But with all things in life trials come when we least expect them. Jim was now called to go away for 10 weeks to train to become a K9 handler. I knew i could do this and that we would be okay.

While he was gone we had the opportunity to see what this beautiful baby was to be. I packed all the kids int he car, took a dear friend to help me and we were off to see this beautiful baby BOY. Before the tech showed us the picture I had this burning feeling in my heart that this was not the brother Hayden was waiting for. The tech showed us the picture of this beautiful baby and announced that we were going to have another sister. I was happy but then a burst of tears came from each child's eyes. There was this uncontrollable crying that I could not console because I was still getting pictures of our beautiful daughter that was to join our family.

I looked at Hayden and he said."Mom I am so sorry but I know that I have a brother, where is he?" I could not even answer his question. I had no answers for him. I thought I had prayed hard enough for us to add a brother to our family. But it really was not going to happen. I called Jim and cried. The kids could not even be excited. All I could think about was Reagan and how she must feel. We really did love her and I knew that she would be a blessing to our family and the best ending to our family.

Well, like I said, you can never plan what you really want. Heavenly Father always knows what is BEST. When Reagan entered the world I thought that I would have this overwhelmingly feeling of being done. She would be placed in my arms and are family would be complete. Everyone would love her and she would be the one to bring us joy. I would never need to be pregnant again. Well I was wrong. When she came and I held her I had this burning feeling in my heart that I will never forget that she was not our last. She was the one that needed to come to us at this time and that I would have another son.

This was a scary thought. I just had given birth and I was not thinking of doing this again. My heart was broken. I did not embrace this beautiful THOUGHT like I should have. Instead I made it a burden. I did not enjoy Reagan's birth like I should have. I became depressed and very unhappy. I hated the thought that I was not done. I fought the feelings that consumed my mind. I loved Reagan. She was a beautiful baby that was so easy and wonderful. Each one of the kids just loved her. She brought absolute joy to our family. But yet I was unhappy. I was not listening to the spirit. I was fighting it with every ounce of my being. How ungrateful. The Lord had given me 4 beautiful children and he wanted to bless me with more. But I was unwilling to hear His words.

After of 3 years of fighting with the Lord( I do not recommend), I realized that we needed a baby. But this time I was content with another GIRL if that was his WILL. I prayed for strength that I could over come these feelings of hopelessness and that I could do this. I needed Him more than ever. Was this pregnancy easy, NO!!! It was very difficult. But I knew that I could do this.

Well as you know already we were blessed with a BEAUTIFUL BABY BOY. He was the answer to my sons prayers and to our family. I was filled with PEACE when he was born. My heart exploded with so much gratitude that I will never be able to explain. I have to admit that I was happy that I was not going to have to do this again. I also felt guilty abut about Reagan's birth. Had I loved her enough? Had I given her all the love that she deserved? This has haunted me since she was born. I again became depressed. Why? I had a better marriage than I had had in 14 years, we had the brother that was waiting to come to our family and life seemed GREAT. But know I dealt with the guilt of how I felt after Reagan's birth.

I write this for myself so that I may remember all that I have overcome to get to where I am. I have realized that there is no greater GIFT than our children. We need to embrace each one that is given to us. Whether it be for a short time or our whole life. They come with many trials, heartaches, and joys but with HIS love and guidance we can make it. We can overcome all that is placed before us.

I have realized that everyone of my children are different. You can not parent each child the same. And what you go through with your own children is not the same for everyone. I have also come to realize that just because we teach our children RIGHT and WRONG it is ultimately up to them to decide. Just love them for who they are. They will come back, they will remember the truth, they will know who they are and where they came from.

I have been blessed with 5 beautiful children that were given to me at the RIGHT time and at the RIGHT moment in my life.

Today we celebrate Emmett's birthday with great joy and love!! He was waiting to come to our family and we have been blessed for it. Just like all my children. Blessings beyond measure.


I love you


Jennifer Miller said...

What a totally sweet post. You made me realize that each child is a precious gift from our Father in Heaven and we need to treat them as such. THANK YOU for the reminder. You are a wonderful friend with so much depth, I really appreciate your thoughts.

Crazy Black family said...

Wow. Thank you for sharing that. I know it must be hard to look back at that, but you've done your best and are moving forward, doing even better!! :D And, I can't believe little Emmett is 2. I miss you guys.

Shelli said...

What a beautiful, wonderful post. It made me cry, because I do know what a struggle you went through.

I had similar feelings after giving birth to Gabriel. I prayed, begged to be done, told Heavenly Father that I couldn't do it again. The answer I got was a sweet whisper, "Yes, you can." And what a blessing Gavin has always been. I'm so glad I listened.

I also have a baby like Reagan, where I wonder if I didn't love him enough. When Romney was born, Kyara, bless her heart, was mean, mean, mean to him. She'd sneak into his crib and hit him. I couldn't stand it, so I used to not show him too much affection if she was in the room. I'd save it all up until she wasn't around, and then lavish him with hugs and kisses. I, too, have that guilt that maybe I short-changed my boy.

Good grief, there's so much to feel guilty about, isn't there? They survive, and love is always growing, and love heals everything.

Happy Birthday, Emmett. Janeal, I'm so glad your family is complete.

Kristen said...

I love and miss your family so much, sweet friend!

The Ferguson Family said...

I'm sorry that you had to struggle like that. Parenting is one of the craziest and most rewarding jobs(not at all times but, ya know) all in one! What's special about you is that you recognized your struggle/trying-time. And you made it a growing point in your life and you are becoming a better person because of it. Better yet, you decided to share your experience with us to help us as well! Thank you for that. I also needed that reminder of how special each child is and how I need to be "in the moment" as much as I can be. They really grow so fast and then we look back wondering if we really cherished that time or just let it pass by. I love you and how sweet and wonderful you are. Your family is AWESOME and that has a huge part in how you and your hubby has raised them. Good job, you two. Please tell Mackenzie that I miss her and love her. I especially miss her sweet comments she always made in YW's. They were always from the heart/sincere. Love always, Patty

Merry Christmas!